My mother and I take a trip down memory lane,
See the glorious plates of love & peace fade,
Replaced with the sounds of hungry bellies growling
Nothing could ever be so utmost foul.
I remember the days that I'd go without food,
Monday Tuesday Wednesday, never good.
Friday would be payday, heavenly, food in the fridge.
Saturdays maybe Sundays would be my chance,
Just to go through Hell all over again.
Momma would try and give me all,
But I couldn't let her succumb and fall,
To the parasite that is money withdrawals,
Going to this bill or to that.
I couldn't let her starve herself,
Just for a child she's raising herself.
So I shared the food just meant for me
and so we ate the food for today,
And tomorrow, and next day, that day.
All I now know is a belly so full,
What I would give to keep this up too.
My pain is no joke,
My past is not a memory,
Because for some it is the present,
And they might always be hungry.
A lot of people talk about obesity
What people don’t understand is calling someone “too skinny” is the same as calling someone “too fat”.
My mind and my stomach have been fighting for years and all my heart wants is peace.
Just like I wanted another piece of cake.
Or a brownie.
Even a piece of chicken.
And maybe it’s wrong but i felt so whole being empty.
As much as I hear my stomach growling, I skip breakfast.
And almost always dinner.
I’m the type who doesn’t eat when she’s upset, instead, I avoid eating altogether.
Apparently I’m too damn skinny I’m told at least 5 times a day, “you need to eat”.
I always say to my mother, “I’m a big girl deep down”, but what she doesn’t realize is that at night, I don’t bother to even touch the food she has made for the family.
My friends disregard me because apparently, “I have nothing to be concerned about”.
My grandmother had to feed me as a child because I was underweight and even then I didn’t want to eat.
Some of us start early.
Yes I am skinny and no, I don’t like it.
Thin shaming is just as hurtful as fat shaming. But no one acknowledges it.
No one sees this as a problem.
I’m sorry I don’t come with a shocking before and after photo.
But I do know how many lunches you have to skip before you start feeling the way that I feel.
I do know, that no matter how many times my boyfriend compliments me on my weight, I have never felt full.
I always wanted to be full.
I’m still thinking about how much I ate last night
And I felt pretty when I was empty.
But today I feel beautiful when I am full.